Wilfork for Food

SNFL 2013 Lockdown

SNFL 2012 The Replacements

SchwartzsteiNFL 12

TV's April Fools

Seems like most of my favorite TV shows are populated by fools this month:

SURVIVOR - Oh, Boston Rob...you talked the talk but couldn't walk the walk. Russell has already set the record for most immunity idols found by a single player (four, by my recollection), and he demonstrated in Samoa that he couldn't be bullied into submission. Why would you threaten Russ and then devise a plan dependent on five players voting exactly the way you need them to vote...knowing that several of those players are just plain dumb? (*Ahem* Tyler) April is shaping up to be a BRob vs. Russell smackdown, and my money's on the slippery oilman from Texas.

LOST - Fool #1 is Sawyer for thinking he can pull a fast one on the Lockeness Monster. Even the best liar in the world can't pull a fast one on *SPOILER ALERT* a shape-shifting, seemingly invulnerable being with a century's worth (perhaps millennium's worth) of notches in his belt. Fool #2 is anyone who thinks "stab him before he has a chance to speak" is a solid game plan.

THE OFFICE - Dwight is once again overshadowing uber-fool Michael (and the rest of the cast, for that matter) with his love triangle maneuvering. The show's writers would be foolish not to give the awkward lovebirds (Dwight-Isabella, Andy-Erin) the bulk of the screentime the rest of the season. Jim-Pam-baby is 100% played out.

AMERICAN IDOL - All of the remaining contestants are fools for thinking they'll have successful singing careers on par with past AI finalists. It seems everyone, from Entertainment Weekly to ESPN personality Bill Simmons, is panning Season 9 for being the worst one thus far. I want to say Simon Cowell is a fool for leaving the #1 program on television, but maybe he's the only one with a lick of sense. Randy, time to start booking 80s cover band gigs. Ellen, it's back to the talk show for good. Kara, go do...whatever it is that you do. Or challenge Bikini Girl to a jello wrestling match.

VIDEO GAMES IN A NUTSHELL: Aliens vs. Predator (2010)

By Peanut

The newest incarnation of AvP brings a twist to the multiplayer first person shooter. Rather than customize your soldier with specific guns or explosives, as in Modern Warfare 2, you take on the role of one of three very different killing machines. As Alien, you sprint across walls and ceilings, lay in hiding for your prey, and strike with your deadly tail, claws, or protruding jaws. As Predator, you become invisible, switch between various vision modes (infrared, "alien-detecting"), and deploy high-tech weaponry like throwing stars. Finally, as Colonial Marine, you use your motion tracker to identify threats, lay down suppressive fire to keep aliens at bay, and hope the predators are more concerned about roving xenomorphs than they are about you.

The three modes of combat, especially the Alien and Predator, provide a unique experience from standard military-style video games. That being said, the Alien proves difficult to navigate at first, and you'll need to master the maps if you want your Predator to find any weapons other than the default retractable wrist blades. I haven't had a chance to try the single-player campaigns yet, so stay tuned for an update. 2 PB Jars

Oh How I Love Thee, JetBlue Terminal at JFK

Free wireless internet in JFK Airport's Terminal B, and free satellite TV in-flight? Me gustan mucho. I'm currently watching the new season of "Everest: Beyond the Limit" on Discovery.com while waiting to board my flight to Miami.

Sometimes air travel doesn't suck.

TRAILER OF THE MONTH: Frozen

My suggested tagline:

"When Open Water...Freezes."

View Trailer

Best Holiday TV Marathon Ever?

Growing up I always loved Thanksgiving, and not just for the usual reasons (food, football, and more food). FX used to run a "viewers' choice" X-Files marathon each Thanksgiving day. One year I was even ambitious enough to tape about 10 hours of quality episodes.

To my happy surprise today, FX has taken a page from its own book - and from fellow cable nets like TBS - by running Home Alone back-to-back-to-back-to...well, you get the picture. I don't know about you but I just can't get enough of Buzz "I wouldn't let you sleep in my room if you were growing on my ass!" McAllister. Meanwhile, AMC is airing the complete Godfather saga and SyFy is deep into the James Bond collection. It's enough to make me wonder: What is the best holiday TV marathon ever?

Here's my personal list - and I'd be interested to see what your opinions/additions are:

4. Christmas A Christmas Story marathon, TBS (2000's)

3. Thanksgiving Home Alone marathon, FX (2009)

2. Thanksgiving The X-Files marathon, FX (circa 1996-1998)

1. New Year's Day The Twilight Zone marathon, SyFy (current)

TRAILER OF THE MONTH: Daybreakers

This gets my vote for Best Trailer of the Year, in fact. With cool cinematography, a high concept plot, and a stellar cast (Ethan Hawke, Sam Neill, Willem Dafoe), Daybreakers looks like it could provide a welcome twist on the vampire genre that is so en vogue today.

Also, the trailer features one of the most haunting and addictive soundtrack songs* in recent memory: Placebo's "Running Up That Hill":

Watch the Daybreakers trailer

* "Running Up That Hill" has popped up in several personal favorite TV shows of mine, including "The OC" (season 4 opening scene) and "The Vampire Diaries" (pilot episode).

Initial Impressions of the New TV Season

1. ABC has a hit in the making with FlashForward. I'm not thrilled by ABC's transparent attempts to present this as the next Lost, but then again their attempts are somewhat effective. I'm enjoying the performances of Joseph Fiennes and John Cho, and I'm intrigued by the mysterious stadium camera footage...
   
   
2. Gossip Girl is entering that post-high school no-man's land where so many other teen dramas have met their demise. Just as Dawson's Creek took a nose dive when everyone, you know, moved away from the creek, we'll soon find out whether Blair and co. can survive south of the Upper East Side. I'm certainly a fan of GG creator Josh Schwartz...but I can't help but remember what happened to his first hit show post-graduation. OK, I'll spell it out for you: The OC sucked after season 3. And the show's demise can't be attributed solely to Mischa Barton's departure.
   
   
3. Speaking of Dawson's Creek, I've really enjoyed the first three episodes of Kevin Williamson's new series The Vampire Diaries. I'm much more interested in this show than any of the CW's other teen dramas (especially 90210 - I just can't find a way to care about those characters).
   
   
4. Reality TV is still thriving, thanks to Top Chef and Project Runway, but Survivor is a bit stale. Host Jeff Probst needs to stop providing obvious and annoying narration during challenges. Dude, this the 171st season of Survivor - give up the futile attempts to convince us we've just seen "a Survivor first" during every episode.
   
   
5. Better challenges (and drama) than Survivor? Real World/Road Rules Challenge: The Ruins. This is the best guilty pleasure on TV.
   
   
6. More credible and almost as enjoyable: the new Curb Your Enthusiasm season, which hasn't even entered the Seinfeld reunion plot arc yet.

Bouludchick

Top Chef Observation of the Week:

Guest chef Daniel Boulud and Patriots coach Bill Belichick were separated at birth.

POP HAIKULTURE: A New (Idol) Hope

Paula made us laugh,

But Ellen will make us laugh

Intentionally.

POP HAIKULTURE: The Crypts and the Bloods

Just watched the prequel

To that Underworld movie...

Vamps versus Werewolves!

It got me thinking,

Why does America have

Vampires on the brain?

From Twilight teen vamps

To True Blood's Byronic Bill,

They're the next 'bit' thing.

ONE-LINE REVIEW: District 9

If you're tired of summer sequels, prequels, and '80s cartoon remakes, District 9 offers a unique take on the alien invader genre - and on topical issues like refugee camps, mercenary armies, and xenophobia. 2.5 PB Jars

Gran Torino a Grand Disappointment

Rented Gran Torino on DVD this week and was definitely disappointed. My main criticisms are:

• subpar acting - especially on the part of the children who play Thao and Su
  
  
• subpar writing - Walt's (Clint Eastwood) racist rants were kind of funny in the beginning, but the weakness of the dialogue writing becomes apparent by the time we get to the ridiculous barbershop scene (in which Walt teaches Thao how to "be a man" by insulting people and talking about his imaginary car being in the shop).
  
  
• subpar story - There were some potentially interesting threads left dangling, such as the potential rivalry between the Hmong gang and the Hispanic gang, and I would have liked to see Thao take "Yum Yum" out on their date in the borrowed Gran Torino. That would have been a perfect opportunity for Thao to display his newfound confidence in a confrontation with his gangbanging cousin.

I'm a big fan of Clint's, but this movie really dragged for me. I'd recommend that you instead rent his underrated film Blood Work (2002), co-starring Jeff Daniels and Angelic Huston. Now that's an interesting and well-paced movie.

DVD Review of Gran Torino: 1.5 PB Jars

MOVIE POLITICS IN A NUTSHELL: Alternate Histories

By Peanut

Can a historical film flip the script on history - and still be considered historical?

I argue "Yes" in the case of Inglourious Basterds, which injects a giant shot of Quentin Tarantino epinephrine into the heart of a WWII drama. Specifically, he imagines a fictional counterpart to Hitler's Gestapo terror squads: the Basterds, a crew of Jewish-American guerillas led behind enemy lines by Brad Pitt's "Aldo the Apache." While the Basterds and their deeds exist outside the real historical timeline, their adventures (and those of the revenge-seeking Shoshana) shine a spotlight on the the defining themes of the war.

Brutality and Mercy - Seeing as this is a Tarantino film, we expect the Inglorious Basterds to be defined by their brutal methods. Yet for all their bat swinging and machine gunning, the Basterds demonstrate a remarkable capacity for mercy. Case in point: Aldo will let a Nazi soldier live so long as he answers his questions honestly. This does serve a practical purpose - the survivor will enhance the Basterds' infamy in recounting their violent acts - but it helps to contrast the absurdity of the Nazis' violence to the purposefulness of the Basterds'. Their goal is to end the war - ASAP. While they take personal enjoyment in achieving that end, this humane goal supercedes their individual well being.

The Nazis were not the only ones guilty of senseless brutality during the war. The British killed hundreds of thousands in their bombing raids against Germay, as did the Americans against Japan (including the two nuclear attacks). At the same time, U.S. President Franklin Roosevelt declined to drop bombs on the Nazi concentration camps, perhaps because he couldn't stomach killing the innocent prisoners inside. Whether or not FDR made this decision out of a sense of mercy for the death camp detainees, the ultimate consequence was that America left the gas chambers untouched, and 12 million people (including 6 million Jews) were murdered in those camps between 1939-1945. The Basterds serve as more than just an instrument of revenge: they illustrate when it's best to display mercy, and when it's best to inflict brutality.

Nice to know that Tarantino doesn't pull any punches - or baseball bat swings -

when taking on as dark and heavy a subject as World War II.

Innocence Lost - In films like Schindler's List and Saving Private Ryan, we see the dehumanizing effect of WWII on the soldiers and civilians involved. Inglorious Basterds does an excellent job of illuminating this loss of innocence for soldiers and civilians alike. On the soldier side, we're introduced to "The Bear Jew" (Eli Roth), a Basterd who strikes fear in the hearts of Nazis with his Louisville Slugger. Yet this super soldier image stands in contrast to his innocent former self, symbolized by his Boston accent and references to Ted Williams and Fenway Park. By the end of the film, he's like a machine-gun-wielding psycho - a hyperbolized portrait of the shell-shocked GIs who ultimately returned from the war.

The story of Shoshana reveals the civilian side of lost innocence. The Nazi reign over Western Europe shatters her childhood and transforms her into a cold, calculating revenge-seeker. Even though her plot to take down the murderous Nazi regime was pulled from Tarantino's imagination rather than the history books, Shoshana embodies the anguish and the courage that defined the experiences of so many victims and survivors.

So - what does it all mean? I say that alternate histories have incredible value when they can find a way to shine more light on the historical narrative. Inglourious Basterds is outstanding entertainment in its own right - incredibly well written and acted - and it tells familiar stories in a new, revealing, and necessarily bloody way. 3 PB Jars

POP HAIKULTURE: The Immaculate Fermentation

What would Jesus do

With the 12th overall pick

In my bar league draft?

Will Andre Johnson

Outscore Fitz and Moss this year?

And what about Brees?!

My indecision

Could kill my draft day mojo

So I'll let Him* choose.

*Him = Sam Calagione,

creator of Dogfish Head beers,

which I will be drinking heavily throughout

our fantasy draft this Sunday at Standings Bar (NYC's best sports bar).

Top Chef Last Vegas

"TOP CHEF" SEASON 6

premieres tonight at 9:00 ET on Bravo, and I'm all in.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, Padma...

POP HAIKULTURE: What about Brett Fav...ruh?

He couldn't let Vick

Hog the quarterback spotlight -

Same old song and dance.

I never thought I'd

Say this in a thousand years:

Go back to acting!