Peanut's Postscript: Best "Spidey 3" Viewer Quotes

When it comes to Spider-Man 3, P and B are in complete agreement.

Wait, whaaah? We’re in complete agreement?! Cue the “Hail Satan” choral chant from The Omen, or, if you prefer, the scene where the Ghostbusters warn the mayor of impending “Old Testament, real wrath-of-God type stuff.” (“Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… Mass hysteria!”)

As B observed so astutely in the previous post, Spider-Man 3 has an unfortunate “been-there-done-that” vibe. So, to avoid giving you a similar feeling, I have humbly conceded the floor to my partner-in-criticism. Instead of writing a full movie review, I submit my list of the…

Best Viewer Quotations from Spider-Man 3: The IMAX Experience

(Note: I attended a sold-out Saturday morning showing on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.)

4. "She's a hoochie!"

• Said by… The 30 year-old dude sitting behind me, to his 5 year-old son. (B, perhaps he was the same guy who yelled out “Slut!” at your screening?)
  


• When… Mary Jane kisses Harry Osborn.
  

3. "Shut the f*** up, Justice!"

• Said by… The same dude sitting behind me, to his 5 year-old son who is apparently named “Justice.” (No joke.)
  
  
• When… Repeated several times during the movie, but most audibly during awkward Peter/Mary Jane exchanges. (Did I mention that this dude also brought his infant daughter…to a PG-13 movie…in a sensory-overloading IMAX theater…strapped in a car seat!?!)
  

2. “A12? That’s Zack and Kelly’s Song!”

• Said by… me.
  
  
• When… Peter, having been dumped by his girlfriend, takes a hot blonde to the restaurant where his ex works as a waitress. He dances with his date in an attempt to make his ex-girlfriend jealous, but both girls see through his scheme.

Dear Spider-Man 3 Writers,

You know you're in bad shape when you’re copping scenes from "Saved By the Bell." Too bad you didn’t make Gwen Stacy pour a chocolate milkshake on Peter’s emo haircut.

Sincerely,
Dustin Diamond

Peter Parker and Zack Morris agree: Revenge is a dish best served blonde.

1. “Can a movie jump the shark?”

• Said by… my girlfriend.
  
  
• When… “Black-suited Peter” struts down the sidewalk, pointing and gesticulating in the direction of attractive women. This ridiculously awful scene hearkens back to a much more humorous sequence in Spider-Man 2, in which Peter, having forsaken his superhero duties and trashed his Spidey suit, strolls (and stumbles) across Columbia’s campus to the tune of “Raindrops Keep Fallin’ On My Head.” In contrast, the scene from SM3 is just too over-the-top for words. Tobey, if this is what you meant when you said you hoped to “explore Peter Parker’s dark side,” then bravo, Tobey, bravo. You just sank your own battleship.

1.5 PB Jars