Highway to Hellraiser

A Halloween Quadruple Feature

Post-Halloween candy sugar rush coma got you down? Fear not, because when you have MonstersHD network and a DVR player, it's Halloween all year long. Without further a do, here's a condensed play-by-play of my recent Halloween Week marathon, featuring one of the classic baddies of American pop culture: Hellraiser's Pinhead.

• 0:00 - As I sit down to begin Clive Barker's Hellraiser (1987), I realize how strange it is that I've never experienced this horror classic. It seems like Pinhead always makes an appearance in those horror movie montages featuring Freddy, Jason, and Michael Myers, but somehow he avoided my Blockbuster queue all these years. I'm watching the opening scene and it's pretty badass. Some dude is sitting on the floor, surrounded by candles and holding a black-and-gold puzzle box. Suddenly the top of the box opens, and as the dude peers inside, four chains shoot out and hook into his chest (to his obvious displeasure). Gross.

• 0:15 - The last 15 minutes were pretty much just exposition. Larry Cotton and his wife Julia move into an old house that belonged to Larry's parents. We soon find out that the gory opening scene took place in the attic of this house, and that Larry's brother Frank was the unfortunate victim. Larry's teenage daughter Kirsty drops by to check out the new pad, but there's definite tension between Kirsty and her stop mother. While the Julia explores the house, she finds some of Frank's photographs and flashes back to a sordid affair with Frank. (In the interest of time, let me skip to the good part.) Larry cuts his hand while moving a mattres and spills blood on the floor of the attic, where the remains of Frank's body lie beneath the floorboards. The fresh blood revives Frank, who goes through an icky resurrection process. I'm guessing this is one of the iconic scenes of the film, though the stop-motion SFX feela little dated now.



• 0:45 - So I'm thinking this would be a good time to start drinking heavily...not that the movie is that scary or gory...well, yes it is pretty gory. Julia's plan to resurrect Frank involves luring sketchy old dudes up to the attic of the house. Frank then takes their skin/body parts/soul (?). I'm guessing this was part of the inspiration for The Mummy (the Brendan Fraser version, of course). At this point, I decide that a couple of (six packs of) beer and some Halloween candy I nabbed from work will help to lighten this viewing experience a bit.



• 1:30 - Wow...That was a great freakin' movie. Really weird, but great. Hellraiser: 2.5 PB Jars



• 3:00 - I just finished Hellbound: Hellraiser II (1988), and like most horror sequels, it wasn't much more than a pale imitation of the original. I liked the fact that Julie returned as the resurrected character in this one, and at least they got Kirsty and Pinhead back for the sequel. Also, there's a sweet twist toward the end of the movie, when Pinhead and his demon associates actually do battle against another demon who wants to destroy Kirsty. "The enemy of my enemy is my friend" is one of my favorite movie themes and is a staple of horror sequels (example: Blade II, when the humans and vampires unite to battle the Reapers). Downsides of Hellbound: it's pretty much the same plot as the first movie, but everything seems less menacing because it's a re-tread. Also, while the first movie (and the title itself) implies that the demons bring their victims straight to hell, the ending of Hellbound portrays Pinhead and the demons as creatures from another universe, "the Labyrinth." I'm hoping they'll ditch this plot point in the sequels to come. Hellbound: 1.5 PB Jars



• 3:39 - Yo, I'm less than halfway through Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth (1992), but I can already tell it's going to suck. This is definitely the Jaws III of this franchise: different setting than the first two movies, different main character, and the movie shows too damn much of the monster. The longer the monster is on screen, the less scary it is. In just the first 40 minutes, Pinhead has already matched his total screentime from the previous two films.



• 4:10 - Hellraiser III officially jumps the shark when Pinhead attacks an underground dance club and flying compact discs slice into the DJ's head, transforming him into a CD-throwing demon. Riiiight. Then Pinhead and the CD Demon chase the main girl (not Kirsty) down a city street, blowing ish up left and right. Watching ish like this is the reason that B criticizes my movie taste.



• 4:30 - Thankfully the movie has ended. Hellraiser III: 0.5 PB Jar



• 4:35 - Last but not least, it's Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002). Why am I ignoring Hellraisers IV and V, you ask? You'll have to take that up with the good people at MonstersHD, who decided to skip straight to VI (which, I found out later, was a straight-to-video release). Despite it's questionable credentials, I'm already liking the setup: Kirsty is back (in a secondary role), the lead actor is Dean Winters of Rescue Me and Law & Order semi-fame (pictured, below), and the movie itself is much more of a psychological thriller than a horror film.



• 6:00 - Wow! A great freakin' movie to bookend my Haloween marathon. Amazingly, this may be the BEST of the Hellraiser movies (unless that's just the alcohol and sugar talking.) This movie is a mind trip akin to playing that immensely entertaining Xbox/PS2 game "Max Payne". The viewer experiences the events of the movie through the protagonist's mind, and this subjective POV helps to ratchet up the viewer's curiosity and anxiety. Pinhead's benefits from reduced screentime; the director wisely hints at his presence in many scenes, but does not reveal him until the movie's conclusion. Overall, Hellraiser VI is a great stand-alone movie. It prioritizes intrigue and suspense over gore. You would enjoy it even if you're not a fan of the horror genre and haven't seen the original film. Hellseeker: 2.5 PB Jars