If B thought The Descent, Borat, and Superman Returns were bad, wait'll he checks out these '06 crap-fests:
3. John Tucker Must Die - The previews for this movie made it look like a female revenge fantasy. In actuality, it was so tame and boring that I might as well have been watching Disney Channel on a Saturday night. Luckily it was the second half of a "double-feature" (with The Descent, no less).
2. Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj - Kal Penn's breakout role as Taj Mahal Badalandabad in the first National Lampoon's Van Wilder proved mildly humorous, and Penn went on to star as a fast food-craving stoner in Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. Though his niche is clearly the gross-out comedy, Penn has since taken on roles across the acting spectrum: a sleeper cell terrorist in "24," a conflicted second-generation immigrant in the drama The Namesake, and a serial rapist in "Law & Order: SVU." He even scored a small part as one of Lex Luther's henchmen in Superman Returns. Whether it was money, nostalgia, or the prospect of ridiculous nude scenes that persuaded Kal Penn to reprise the role of Taj in this sorry-ass sequel, he certainly made a Badalandabad decision.
1. Lady in the Water - Seven years after The Sixth Sense earned its novice director a Best Picture nom, M. Night Shyamalan finally succeeded in taking home a golden statue… the 2006 Razzie Award for Worst Director. (He also "won" a second award for Worst Supporting Actor in the same film.) What an incomprehensible, unoriginal, and un-scary movie. For his sake, I hope that Paul Giamatti just never got around to reading the script before accepting this role. He has no other defense.
3. John Tucker Must Die - The previews for this movie made it look like a female revenge fantasy. In actuality, it was so tame and boring that I might as well have been watching Disney Channel on a Saturday night. Luckily it was the second half of a "double-feature" (with The Descent, no less).
2. Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj - Kal Penn's breakout role as Taj Mahal Badalandabad in the first National Lampoon's Van Wilder proved mildly humorous, and Penn went on to star as a fast food-craving stoner in Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle. Though his niche is clearly the gross-out comedy, Penn has since taken on roles across the acting spectrum: a sleeper cell terrorist in "24," a conflicted second-generation immigrant in the drama The Namesake, and a serial rapist in "Law & Order: SVU." He even scored a small part as one of Lex Luther's henchmen in Superman Returns. Whether it was money, nostalgia, or the prospect of ridiculous nude scenes that persuaded Kal Penn to reprise the role of Taj in this sorry-ass sequel, he certainly made a Badalandabad decision.1. Lady in the Water - Seven years after The Sixth Sense earned its novice director a Best Picture nom, M. Night Shyamalan finally succeeded in taking home a golden statue… the 2006 Razzie Award for Worst Director. (He also "won" a second award for Worst Supporting Actor in the same film.) What an incomprehensible, unoriginal, and un-scary movie. For his sake, I hope that Paul Giamatti just never got around to reading the script before accepting this role. He has no other defense.
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Honorable Mention for NOT Sucking: "The Wicker Man."
I must convey my sympathy for everyone who worked to produce this universally-panned film. I hate to break it to you, Nic Cage haters, but this flick ain't half bad. It's definitely not the worst of the 1970s horror remakes (e.g., "The Hills Have Eyes," "Texas Chainsaw Massacre"). I imagine that the pitch for this movie went something like, "It's Blair Witch Project meets Face Off ... well, minus the kick-ass John Woo fight sequences." A plea for help from a long-lost girlfriend leads Cage's troubled detective to an isolated island, inhabited by "bewitching" women and mute male drones. The plot may be only slightly less implausible than that of Face Off, but the film's spooky setting, subtle acting performances, and surprise ending help to redeem it.
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